August's Musing


One day I came to the realization that thoughts and feelings can really throw us off our “game.”  What is our game plan for ourselves? What are our goals? What is our journey to who we are? Do we ever really know who we are? Do we ever really find what our purpose in life is? Have you ever asked yourself these questions and really listened to your answers?

Recently, my mother in law passed away and this was a really challenging and sad time for all of us in the family. She was always a very independent person who loved people and loved her life! When she had her heart attack this past spring she told me that this totally ended her life. A total change of what she was used to, now to be what she was not willing to be. She then passed rather quickly. 

This opened up some emotions in me that I had not realized were inside of “me”. I know many spiritual people who give webinars and write in their blogs state that we are all composed of light and dark. My dark reared its ugly head after she passed. I had anger and resentment towards her and some of my husband’s family.  At first I did not realize why I was so angry and then I would burst into tears for no reason. Why should this affect me so strongly?

I was concerned about my negative thoughts and bouts of crying as this is not who I am I kept telling myself. Then I would hear that loving soft voice inside of me saying, “Dear one you are this and much more, relax dear one and just let it go.”  I meditated, I prayed, I said affirmations and still this resentment was lingering. I even went back to “basics” and listened to some webinars of Doreen Virtue and Jo Dunning, two women who I really admire and feel have been my mentors for spiritual guidance. Then I found an amazing book and CD, a  Shamanic drumming CD by Jill Kuykendall, RPT and her husband, Hank Wesselman, Ph.D., both Shamans. The CD is about spirit medicine and Jill and Hank both wrote the book, Spirit Medicine and the CD accompanies each book. The book is about soul retrieval and enhancing one’s healing.

While I listened to the drumming and rattling, I could feel that negative stuff just lifting and I felt a lightness that I had not felt before. The anger and resentment was leaving my body and in its place I was being filled with love and joy. I had stated my intention about wanting to be healed from this anger, and during this 60 minute drumming many things came up for my viewing that were hidden inside of me. I had put these “things” away for my own protection. I was able to look at myself and see that these emotions are a part of my dark self and I was better able to see my light self. The visions of my past that came forward the negative emotions were now let go. There is a balance now I am feeling in my heart and my soul. I acknowledge that I can be angry and resentful as well as loving and compassionate. Hence my light and dark are all parts of me. Have I found my true self? Maybe there is more of me to find yet since I am on my journey and I am enjoying the trip!